dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
