I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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