We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
