how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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