woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
