sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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