You're my little dorito
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
