so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
