I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
