I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize