guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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