we're chasing vodka with high fives
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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