Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
