I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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