and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
