just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
false alarm, still single
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
