who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
