Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
