hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
