You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
