Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
