I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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