Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize