Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
