life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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