she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
