either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
