I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
