Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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