I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
