***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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