When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize