I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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