So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
