I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
