I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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