Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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