Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
