i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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