she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
