Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
