I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
