Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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