If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
