apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
