last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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