So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize