You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
