I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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