It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
