There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
