can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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