dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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