I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I looked at my own cervix.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
