my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
