It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think your dad took our porno
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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