If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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