hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
